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(pas de sujets) [oct. 6e, 2009 09:21 pm]
[mon humeur |confusedconfused]
[la musique |i cant hear my eyes]

 i had an existential crisis today.
i got a 61 on my math test. a test i thought to be kinda easy. i knew i didnt get it all right because i didnt remember how to do this one problem, but i knew that on the scale of possible problems, they were all really simple. and i got a 61. i failed. twenty people got As and i got a 61. i was holding back tears the rest of class. but im also pmsing so thats probably why im so emotional. i skipped my physics recitation. and came home. and cried. i wouldnt have cried while biking back, but the rain was all up in my grill and i had to concentrate so i didnt die while going down a steep hill in the rain. ah the rain fucking makes everything worse. but i just need to apply myself. and crack down and actually get shit done. i can do this. i just havent been trying. i. can. do. this. i know i can. i need inspiration. i need budapest. i need something. a change of scenery. rachel is transferring, and looking into schools for her makes me want to change too. obviously its not logical. i have 3 1/2 semesters left here. i love unc sometimes. mostly i just get lonely. and cant seem to find the awesome people i find so easily EVERYWHERE ELSE. why cant people here just be perfect like they were in hungary or in pennsylvania or even pretty awesome like in high school? why is it so hard for me to find my way in this jungle of people? is this school too big for me? where should i have gone? i dont know. and its too late now. i have a scholarship here. i have an apartment, an awesome roommate, my family close by (finally all of them, including my sister) and mostly good weather and a beautiful campus. i just dont have the people i can be completely myself around all the time. i dont have them, and i dont know where they are. there are some awesome people here, dont get me wrong. but its not the same as with liz or rachel or budapest or even madrigals. even joining choir last year didnt make me feel what i wanted. it made me feel more like governors school than madrigals. with all the arrogant bitches who think they are superior and so amazing and blahblahblah. no sense of community for me or inclusion or group love. it was fun, it had its moments. but overall, it was not what i was looking for. 
i dont know what im missing. math isnt inspiring me. when i think about it conceptually, i am so excited. i love math. i love the idea of it. i really am not enjoying my class. maybe its my teacher. maybe ive had a string of teachers who dont work for me. i loveddddd math this summer. math in budapest with jim was awesome. i was intrigued i was inspired. mind, i still didnt do the homework or want to get up for class, but that may have been more of the so much to do in budapest and staying out late drinking than reluctance for math. csirmaz didnt inspire me, but jim was a good teacher for me. we didnt get along so well outside of class, but in class, i think we worked pretty well together. :)
so im sticking with math. and im sticking with french. but its all bogging me down even though i love love love it in theory. physics is piss boring and tedious and i still cant do it because i dont study. because i think i will remember from high school. big laugh. i kinda do, but not enough to know what to do. so basically. i need to actually work. i need to teach myself how to study and make myself do it. and often and well.

lacrosse is exhausting me this semester. i feel like its all happening all at once. right now right now tournament tournament tournament. and then i have horse back riding, which i loveeeeeee, but which is also very tiring. and riding my bike uphill is killing me. it makes me want to just start sobbing some days. its so frustrating. if i could only avoid those two consecutive steep as fuck hills!
its just all piling. and i think thats why i feel like im drowning. i have no time off. my time off is spent fucking around or doing work i put off or at work or lacrosse. and i fuck around, but i need some time to sleep and laze... and i dont know why what im doing for lazing isnt cutting it. i just dont know.
i need to find inspiration. i need to find motivation. and fast.
i know im just going to return to the same old same old and keep causing my own destruction.

what am i doing with my life?
Lien-under water-

(pas de sujets) [mai. 4e, 2009 01:23 pm]
 well i didnt get the NASA scholarship.
still waiting for the rest of the bad news. i.e. my math grade.
Lien-under water-

(pas de sujets) [mar. 24e, 2009 11:22 pm]
 I woke up in the middle of the night and there was all this gunk all over my eyes and eyelashes. When I woke up properly I found that I had sick eyes today. Not tired eyes, as I skipped advanced calculus so as to acquire several more hours sleep, but sick eyes, which are quite different. If I had been in high school, my mother might have let me stay home. She always could tell by my eyes whether I was sick or not. I hope I'm not actually ill and that today was just an off day. Ugh. Thats how I feel about today.
In other news, I feel the need to be really productive right now, but of course not on school work. I want something to clean. The only time I ever recall wishing I was at home so that I could clean my bathroom... Odd. I also ate horrendously today. I need to start eating much better and exercising more often. Nows the time to create good habits for the future. I am so bad at following through...
Tomorrow I will be halfway through the week. Tomorrow I have an appointment with my math advisor to decide what classes I should take next semester, as he skipped our appointment earlier today. No worries, its all sorted. Tomorrow I will also need to construct a presentation (approximately 4 minutes) detailing my process and progress on my documentary. Of which there is little if any to say. I haven't conducted any interviews yet. And I don't want to. But I really just need to get it done. What do I want to say with this documentary?! Muslims are cool. Just like us. Rumin is Muslim, I am Catholic. We are very alike. I love her. Is that the point of my documentary? No. It should be. But thats not about a community and its too late to change it to the community of our room. Which would be a boring documentary. At least for everyone else.
I am quite excited for UVA this weekend. Some hard core lacrosse, and some girl time, and just some weekend time with people. Which I rarely ever get. I haven't gone out all semester. Maybe once. I don't know. I'm sure all the frats miss me. Ha!
I wish i had something substantial to give to the world.
Lien-under water-

my future is rocketing out of control... [jan. 28e, 2009 11:08 pm]
[mon humeur |contemplativecontemplative]
[la musique |i think actually its green day right now... silly shuffle.]

 so im applying for this scholarship from NASA
and now im fuh reaking out.
about my future of course.
what classes i should take.
i should go for a bs in math i know i should.
which means physics. 
and i was considering astronomy classes, like astrophysics and cool shit like that.
which means my life will be math and science.
wheres the humanity?!?! (ies)
haha. (get it?)
it would be cool to take, like, psychology and stuff too. i think that would be really interesting. maybe a philosophy class or two.
but how will i have the time with physics, astronomy, and math classes? not to mention a french minor.
and hopefully choir... haha.
maybe some riding thrown in. yea right.
too much learninggggg makes my head hurt.
im trying to consider what i want to do with my life and where to go from here and what to do and what classes to take and what to concentrate on, or to take a general survey of courses that interest me and not focus in on astronomy and physics and WOOF. im tired.
and scared.
am i going to be a scientist?
Lien-3 infinite blue under water-

(pas de sujets) [oct. 26e, 2008 10:29 pm]
i hate being played.
i fucking hate it.
fuck you.
Lien-under water-

(pas de sujets) [oct. 14e, 2008 11:38 pm]
[mon humeur |moroseobsessed]


im obsessing.

and not about my english midterm tomorrow.
Lien-under water-

(pas de sujets) [oct. 12e, 2008 06:25 pm]
[ici |nowhere land]
[mon humeur |pensivepensive]

i cant really think how to go about doing this. its difficult for me to conceive and process in my head.
i actually cant even make the effort. sorry.
most of the important people know already anyways. and i think all of the people who read this do.
so oops. again livejournal, my life seems to have moved on without you.
although sometimes you can be a comfort.
Lien-under water-

(pas de sujets) [sep. 22e, 2008 09:52 am]

oh livejournal. its been a while.
Lien-under water-

(pas de sujets) [avr. 29e, 2008 09:21 pm]
[ici |stress]
[mon humeur |soreknotted]

i think that my back and neck are the most knotted and tense they have ever been in my entire life.

i had my first two exams today. crammed by assssss off yesterday. hopefully it payed off.
had to wake up at 7 for my music exam (at 8) so i was a very grumpy girl this morning. i think i was only unsure on maybe 2 or 3 of the 30 multiple choice questions, so thats encouraging. of course, i could just have bombed that shit anyways. the essay went okay... not very creative or well worded. but done, and finished and i said everything i could basically. 
women studies was possibly even more stressful as i hadnt really studied that much for it. as always, my ids could have been better. i very much fabricated information in several. but its only five points per id, 30 points total out of 120. so hopefully, ill be ok. my essays.... well my essays for wmst are always crap. i tried. i got all my resources in, with a little extra for insurance. i hopefully made some sort of point in both of them... and ill be praying to god that will has mercy on us. im seriously going to get a c+ in that class. damnit!!!!
it is way too stressful to have a scholarship that depends on keeping a certain gpa. oy. hopefully! i aced the shit out of the music exam, which might let me pull an a in that class. or at least an a-. that would be fan-fucking-tastic. because im really not sure if im going to be getting any a's at all. hopefully religion. but that all depends on the two essays i havent written yet which are staring at me from my desk.
please jesus let me get a hardcore massage tonight. i need it. thank you.
two exams on friday. which are DIFFERENTIAL EQUATIONS. i.e. my major, and which im going to faillllllllllll. why did i pick such a hard major? math is supposed to be easy for me. what the fuck. oh, and then after that hell, i have my french interview. holy shit that class is hard. AND IT DOESNT COUNT FOR ANYTHING. which angers me beyond compare. i could have been in fucking 300, working myself towards a french minor, but no. all the fucking classes are always full by the time i fucking register. grrrr.
and then im also worrying about packing up all my shit, debunking/rearranging our room, pulling out the carpet to take home, making sure the fridge is ready to go, and oh yea, packing alllll my shit. for saturday. when i go home. i go home saturday. 4 days. ill be home in 4 days. what???????? and then! i get to work all summer.

god im such a whiner. :)

generally, life is cool. im going to miss rumin, my dorm, college, and freedom. goodbye sweet freedom. (hello car! how ive missed you)
also, i cant WAIT to be with my best friend all summer. yay. :) i like her. shes pretty cool. 

oof, call soon, will you?
Lien-under water-

(pas de sujets) [avr. 9e, 2008 03:01 pm]
tim, i wish you were born a girl, wish you were born a girl, so i could've been your boyfriend. i know its not possible now, i just never met a girl i like half as much as you. and we could lay around in bed, stay there all day,  or at least until the afternoon. and i could make you spaghetti with tomato sauce with just a touch of oregano and a parsley stem. and then when you got sick, i could take the day off work. i could've made you chicken soup, and we could watch soap operas, oh, those tv dramas! i could catch your cold and you could take care of me. mmmm if i could've met you at school, or met you at work, it would have changed everything. those years of losing, confusion and insecurity, they wouldve been shared, they wouldve been easier. oh tim, i wish you were born a girl, wish you were born a girl, so i could've been your fiancé. im not saying you cant be all these things for me, but it's just not the same because you're a man, and so am I.
Lien-2 infinite blue under water-

paige pointed out i havent posted in a while... [avr. 6e, 2008 11:10 pm]
[ici |desk]
[mon humeur |confusedconfused]
[la musique |cyndi lauper]

there are three weeks of classes and approximately one week of exams left until the completion of my freshman year of college.

i am bewildered. a bit.
actually. i cant wait for the summer. except for the expectation that my mother has of me working 40 hours a week, it will be marvelous. friends, fun, sun, money, (work)

amusement parks are slightly less amusing in cold rain. but only slightly. actually, its still pretty awesome to ride roller coasters whenever. 

the chick is staring at me. i like its colour combo. no one will have any idea what the hell im talking about. but thats my charm.

i like music. i like drawing. i like sleeping. i like staying up late. i like winning. i like partying with my friends. i like flirting. (a lot). i like being warm. i love my pillow. i like you.


Lien-1 infinite blue under water-

(pas de sujets) [jan. 4e, 2008 12:21 am]
[mon humeur |relievedrelieved]
[la musique |ingrid michaelson]

if nothing else, i know that all of you are some of the best people i know.
and im so thankful.
Lien-under water-

(pas de sujets) [nov. 29e, 2007 09:29 pm]
[ici |im always in my room]
[la musique |mess]

i think i might be sort of dying inside.

its a fun feeling.

...im such a whiner.
Lien-3 infinite blue under water-

(pas de sujets) [sep. 16e, 2007 11:11 pm]
i miss you tremendously.
Lien-under water-

(pas de sujets) [sep. 12e, 2007 11:35 pm]
[ici |in a comfy cloudy weird place]
[mon humeur |contentcontent]
[la musique |mixxxxxxxx]

 i redid my journal and it makes me want to post because its all green and pretty and wonderful. 

ive been thinking a lot.

about the past.

about how college is weird.

about how i miss people. like my best friend. and my sister. and how that makes me sad.

about life.

im so goddamn introspective. :) i like nature.

i reread a swiftly tilting planet. i love madeleine l'engle. she makes me feel so smart. i love charles wallace. <3

please forgive me for time that i wasted.

i love playing lacrosse. works out all my kinks. yummy. and i feel so damn fierce. i love that.

all that noise and all that sound.
Lien-under water-

(pas de sujets) [sep. 11e, 2007 07:36 pm]
[ici |mon bureau]
[mon humeur |creativecreative]
[la musique |the shins]

 a couple days late.
Lien-1 infinite blue under water-

(pas de sujets) [aoû. 25e, 2007 02:26 am]
[mon humeur |pissed offfurious]

<<enter angry ranting post here>>
Lien-under water-

(pas de sujets) [aoû. 20e, 2007 11:44 am]
[ici |dorm room]
[mon humeur |bouncybouncy]

im in college....


its cool. im nervous for classes to start. I HAVE ASTRONOMY HOMEWORK BEFORE THE GODDAMNED CLASS EVEN STARTS. fuck. and the course information on blackboard makes it sound like im going to be working my BUTT off all semester. and to top it off, its at 8 fucking am. and its a long walk. and i bet the lab will be hard too. doa;fnafk;gvb af;g vakdfb df;jkga nzb;andfbab.

i like rumin though. shes good. we get along well, and i think shell keep me from getting into toooo too much trouble. shes cool with me going out, but i feel kind of guilty when i sneak in at 4. haha. plus, i think ill study because i think shell study. and thus bad influence people (coughcough) wont be able to lead me astray from the necessary requirements of keeping my scholarship and staying in honors.

anyways. college. its weird.
Lien-3 infinite blue under water-

(pas de sujets) [aoû. 16e, 2007 10:06 am]
[ici |liz bed.]

god my fucking dreams suck. torture. fucking torture. goddamn you subconcious!
eleven fucking times. eleven. eleven!

im so nervous for school. so goddamned fucking nervous.
i have to pack.
i dont want to.
and i want to so bad.

i miss him. and i dont. and im confused. confuckingfused. what the fuck am i doing? am i fucking up?

i still am but then i dont, i need a little something different. a little something sweeter.

well. that was a fun fake birthday party.

i just want to relax a bit. cool down. and then i dont. i want to burn.

god im nervous. my summer is over? how so? no fair.
Lien-under water-

ten years ago seems so long ago [aoû. 14e, 2007 10:10 am]
[mon humeur |restlessTENtative]
[la musique |10 :15 saturday night - the cure]

so this lj is pretty pathetic. my last TEN posts at least have been pathetic.


shoot i need to pack for college.


in less than 10 days. in fact, only four days.

i wish i could do this summer ten times over, it was good.
except for working.
but money is good.

oh shit, i blew $100 and TEN cents today at target. that place is like fucking poison. i spend so much money there. i should buy stock.

but, i did buy about 30 dollars worth of stuff for other people. maybe even 35. maybe even 40, thats TEN more than 30.

im excited and nervous about college. i think ive changed my mind about how ive felt at least TEN times. geez, im so indecisive.

i bought pig magnets today. i couldnt resist them. i think i might have a disease. its like, 10 out of 10 times i drive by target, i cant help but go in. damn target. and i even went in with a purpose today. and that was accomplished. and then i went fucking beserk. ten times over.

ok. i give up. its just going to be pathetic.
Lien-3 infinite blue under water-

(pas de sujets) [juil. 30e, 2007 10:16 pm]
Lien-2 infinite blue under water-

I GOT A P IN FRENCH. wtf. [juil. 6e, 2007 10:08 am]
[ici |the gerkins]
[mon humeur |exhaustedexhausted]
[la musique |sarah playing with a toy car. gee. great.]

Lien-7 infinite blue under water-

its all here in your head you know... [juil. 5e, 2007 05:26 pm]
[ici |hell]
[mon humeur |groggyheadachey]
[la musique |should i stay or should i go?-the clash]

Which Mix of the Hogwarts Houses are You?

You're a Slytherdor! You are a natural leader and have the personality to back it up. Often people are hesitant to approach you because they feel that you will reject them. You have a bit of a temper but most of the time you're able to keep it in check; however when you are really pissed off, people better watch out. In your life you have a lot of things you want to accomplish, whether it's for yourself or another cause. You can be determined in trying to pursue this goal but your morals are too steady to allow you to be absolutely ruthless. You don't let many people know this, but you actually like the idea of chivalry (but you try to keep this buried) and you try to live your life with honor. You don't back away from tough decisions. Your weakness is that sometimes you can be arrogant, you forget about the 'lesser people' and this leads you to underestimate your opponents. With the charisma of a Gryffindor and the ambition of a Slytherin you can be great in life!
Take this quiz!

Quizilla |

| Make A Quiz | More Quizzes | Grab Code

Lien-under water-

target and i got along way too well today. [juin. 25e, 2007 10:22 pm]
[mon humeur |grumpygrouchy]
[la musique |boxes of tangerines.... so sweet and juicy... tangerines.]

so this summer has not been real great so far.
ive been working.
work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work.
supposed to start first day of tutoring this 13 year old girl in math (geometry and alg). totally was not at her house. her mom called me later and was like, "omg. i forgot to tell my husband. my bad, need some gas money?" (they live off of horse pen creek- ie a waste of my time and gas)
then i had to go to the dentist. i hate the dentist.

pcj's been good i suppose, but oh so fucking tiring. 6 hours straight on my feet, and then i ALWAYS have to clean the bathrooms and sweep and mop the floors and clean out the coffee pots and stock shit and sometimes do the dishes. i mean, my arms are going to be fucking huge by the end of the summer.

anyways. when betty bailed on me today, i went to target instead and spent lotsa money.

uh. oh. i went to lunch at brueggers and saw hunter. woo!
i like herby turkeys and nakeds.

i also like harry potter.
Lien-under water-

(pas de sujets) [mai. 28e, 2007 10:54 pm]
[mon humeur |amusedamused]

Your Bumper Sticker Should Be
Ass, gas, or grass - no one rides for free
Lien-under water-

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