||[oct. 6e, 2009 09:21 pm]
|||||i cant hear my eyes||]|
i had an existential crisis today.
i got a 61 on my math test. a test i thought to be kinda easy. i knew i didnt get it all right because i didnt remember how to do this one problem, but i knew that on the scale of possible problems, they were all really simple. and i got a 61. i failed. twenty people got As and i got a 61. i was holding back tears the rest of class. but im also pmsing so thats probably why im so emotional. i skipped my physics recitation. and came home. and cried. i wouldnt have cried while biking back, but the rain was all up in my grill and i had to concentrate so i didnt die while going down a steep hill in the rain. ah the rain fucking makes everything worse. but i just need to apply myself. and crack down and actually get shit done. i can do this. i just havent been trying. i. can. do. this. i know i can. i need inspiration. i need budapest. i need something. a change of scenery. rachel is transferring, and looking into schools for her makes me want to change too. obviously its not logical. i have 3 1/2 semesters left here. i love unc sometimes. mostly i just get lonely. and cant seem to find the awesome people i find so easily EVERYWHERE ELSE. why cant people here just be perfect like they were in hungary or in pennsylvania or even pretty awesome like in high school? why is it so hard for me to find my way in this jungle of people? is this school too big for me? where should i have gone? i dont know. and its too late now. i have a scholarship here. i have an apartment, an awesome roommate, my family close by (finally all of them, including my sister) and mostly good weather and a beautiful campus. i just dont have the people i can be completely myself around all the time. i dont have them, and i dont know where they are. there are some awesome people here, dont get me wrong. but its not the same as with liz or rachel or budapest or even madrigals. even joining choir last year didnt make me feel what i wanted. it made me feel more like governors school than madrigals. with all the arrogant bitches who think they are superior and so amazing and blahblahblah. no sense of community for me or inclusion or group love. it was fun, it had its moments. but overall, it was not what i was looking for.
i dont know what im missing. math isnt inspiring me. when i think about it conceptually, i am so excited. i love math. i love the idea of it. i really am not enjoying my class. maybe its my teacher. maybe ive had a string of teachers who dont work for me. i loveddddd math this summer. math in budapest with jim was awesome. i was intrigued i was inspired. mind, i still didnt do the homework or want to get up for class, but that may have been more of the so much to do in budapest and staying out late drinking than reluctance for math. csirmaz didnt inspire me, but jim was a good teacher for me. we didnt get along so well outside of class, but in class, i think we worked pretty well together. :)
so im sticking with math. and im sticking with french. but its all bogging me down even though i love love love it in theory. physics is piss boring and tedious and i still cant do it because i dont study. because i think i will remember from high school. big laugh. i kinda do, but not enough to know what to do. so basically. i need to actually work. i need to teach myself how to study and make myself do it. and often and well.
lacrosse is exhausting me this semester. i feel like its all happening all at once. right now right now tournament tournament tournament. and then i have horse back riding, which i loveeeeeee, but which is also very tiring. and riding my bike uphill is killing me. it makes me want to just start sobbing some days. its so frustrating. if i could only avoid those two consecutive steep as fuck hills!
its just all piling. and i think thats why i feel like im drowning. i have no time off. my time off is spent fucking around or doing work i put off or at work or lacrosse. and i fuck around, but i need some time to sleep and laze... and i dont know why what im doing for lazing isnt cutting it. i just dont know.
i need to find inspiration. i need to find motivation. and fast.
i know im just going to return to the same old same old and keep causing my own destruction.
what am i doing with my life?